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Appreciations
Notice and name what you value in each other.
Each of you fills in your own column about the other. Then take turns reading them aloud. The listener only says "thank you". No "yes, but".
From Partner A to Partner B
From Partner B to Partner A
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An educational aid to use with a therapist, teacher or parent. It is not a medical device and does not diagnose anything.
Five couples therapy worksheets
Add your first names at the top, if you like, and pick a worksheet. Each one ends with a printout or a copy as text, for your next session or the fridge.
- Appreciations. Notice and name what you value in each other.
- Our conflict cycle. Map the loop you get stuck in, and what is underneath it.
- I statements. A gentle way to raise a concern.
- Repair attempts. The words and gestures that help you come back together.
- Weekly check-in. A short, regular meeting to stay connected.
Appreciations
Each partner writes about the other, then you take turns reading aloud. The listener says only "thank you". It sounds small, and it is one of the easiest ways to warm up a couple who have been stuck in criticism. The prompts are:
- Something you did this week that I noticed
- A quality I admire in you
- A way you make my life easier
- A memory of us I treasure
- Something I've never quite thanked you for
Mapping your conflict cycle
Many couples have one argument with a hundred topics. One partner reaches harder: they push to talk, follow, get louder. The other pulls back: they go quiet, leave, shut down. Each move sets off the other, and round it goes. This is often called the pursue and withdraw pattern. The worksheet has each partner name their moves, the softer feelings underneath (like alone, scared of losing the relationship, not good enough, overwhelmed) and what they really need (like to know I matter to you, or reassurance that we are okay), and draws the loop. Giving the cycle a name helps a couple treat it as something they face together.
The idea of a couple's negative cycle, and of the cycle rather than either partner being the problem, comes from Emotionally Focused Therapy, developed by Sue Johnson with Les Greenberg.
I statements
A gentle way to raise a concern: "I feel ___ when ___ because ___. Would you be willing to ___?" The worksheet builds the sentence as you type, and flags the usual slips, like "always" and "never", or a label in place of what happened.
- Describe what happened the way a camera would see it, not what kind of person they are.
- Talk about one time, not always or never.
- Ask for something you would like more of, not only for something to stop.
- Pick a calm moment, and raise one thing at a time.
Repair attempts we can use
A repair attempt is anything that stops an argument getting worse: "Can we start over?", a joke, a hand on the arm, an apology. What works is personal, so each partner marks the phrases that would actually reach them mid-argument, in groups like slow it down, own my part, reach for each other, try to understand, lighten it. Then you agree how you will take a break and come back.
Weekly check-in
A thirty-minute meeting with the same six parts each week:
- Appreciations. One thing you appreciated about your partner this week.
- What went well. Something that went well for the two of you.
- One hard thing. One thing that was hard, raised gently with an I statement. The other listens and says back what they heard.
- The week ahead. Calendar, money, kids, chores: what needs planning.
- One thing I need. One thing that would help you next week.
- Something to look forward to. Plan one moment of connection or fun this week.
- Pick a regular time, about thirty minutes, with phones away.
- Start and end with something good.
- If a hard topic gets heated, pause it and agree when to come back to it.
- Keep it short. A check-in that happens every week beats a long one that does not.
Using couples therapy activities in session
- Start with appreciations, even with couples in a lot of conflict. It lowers the temperature and shows what is still working.
- Map the cycle together in session before sending it home. Partners often see their own side clearly and the other's side for the first time.
- Practice I statements live, on something small, and coach the listener to say back what they heard.
- Use the repair sheet after a session where an argument escalated, while it is fresh.
- Give the weekly check-in as homework, and open the next session by asking how it went.
Couples worksheets over telehealth
Share your screen and press Present mode, then fill the worksheet in as the couple talks. If partners join from different places, each can open the page on their own device, but what they type is not shared between devices: one person fills it in, or you do it for them on your screen. At the end, print it or copy it into your notes.
When couples worksheets are not the right tool
If you are afraid of your partner, or there is violence or threats in the relationship, couples worksheets are not the right tool. Talk to a therapist on your own, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (or text START to 88788). In an emergency, call 911.
Printable couples therapy worksheets (PDF)
The free PDF has four pages: appreciations, the conflict cycle, I statements with repair attempts, and the weekly check-in. Print a set for each partner. They are free to print and share.
For a whole family, try the family therapy games. Looking for help as a couple in New York? Read about couples counseling at Crown Counseling.
